Closing the Teach For America Blogging Gap
Oct 12 2010

I can’t commit to anything! (Re: Side effect of being transferred?)

I signed a lease on an apartment the other day. Then I got out of it (when I say got out of it, I mean lost it…no one told me I need checks as a grown-up). But it’s not bad, because I really do want to live with TFA people. In some inexplicable way, even these people I don’t know feel sort of like home–at least, they’re part of the program.

Now I have some various housing options. The most ironic being the room of a girl here who just resigned. I think it comes to this: my life feels so up in the air right now. I know I need to find a place to call my own (and a room) in order to even begin to start feeling settled here. At the same time, I am filled with anxiety about signing a lease (see the first paragraph) because I feel like that really binds me here. I am already less than stable financially, can I really take that chance? What if I am one of the people (more everyday apparently) who doesn’t make it?

And I know everyone is saying, “Oh, you will make friends. That will come in time.” And I do believe it, but what if it’s not fast enough for me? And I guess I am just still grieving (yes, grieving) the life I had in Texas and promise of that future. And it’s hard when I remember all the good friends I left behind and all the people here who already have their groups. Philly is a big corps and Philly is a big city. I feel very much like the kid who comes into junior high late (like say the junior high is 6-8 and the kid comes in in 7th grade). People here have their groups (I had mine) and it’s hard to feel a part of the big movement when I don’t feel part of the smaller corps.

I wish I could see the future.

2 Responses

  1. clb

    Find stability.

    Don’t let the choices that others have made, that were their own, dictate what you perceive of your chances and your opportunities.

    I have often found that if we knew our future, we’d likely laugh because often we are better than we think we are…

  2. ruchigoes2philly

    Hi there! I’m an ’09 MAR CM…I think we might have met at the Sunday event…if you remember a short Indian girl, that was me!

    The inclusion comes with time…and if it’s not fast enough for you, I understand. Hang out with me! 2nd years are calmer anyway ;) I go to this bar every Friday with some wonderful ’10s and ’09s…drop me a line on facebook (if this is Deb, we met already and are friends…if not, I’m Ruchi…) and we can get to know the region!

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