I signed a lease on an apartment the other day. Then I got out of it (when I say got out of it, I mean lost it…no one told me I need checks as a grown-up). But it’s not bad, because I really do want to live with TFA people. In some inexplicable way, even these people I don’t know feel sort of like home–at least, they’re part of the program.
Now I have some various housing options. The most ironic being the room of a girl here who just resigned. I think it comes to this: my life feels so up in the air right now. I know I need to find a place to call my own (and a room) in order to even begin to start feeling settled here. At the same time, I am filled with anxiety about signing a lease (see the first paragraph) because I feel like that really binds me here. I am already less than stable financially, can I really take that chance? What if I am one of the people (more everyday apparently) who doesn’t make it?
And I know everyone is saying, “Oh, you will make friends. That will come in time.” And I do believe it, but what if it’s not fast enough for me? And I guess I am just still grieving (yes, grieving) the life I had in Texas and promise of that future. And it’s hard when I remember all the good friends I left behind and all the people here who already have their groups. Philly is a big corps and Philly is a big city. I feel very much like the kid who comes into junior high late (like say the junior high is 6-8 and the kid comes in in 7th grade). People here have their groups (I had mine) and it’s hard to feel a part of the big movement when I don’t feel part of the smaller corps.
I wish I could see the future.